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by tvnerdgirl
Summary: Set just after The Christmas Invasion, the Doctor comes to terms with his regeneration and learns how to move on.


Author's Note: This is my first Doctor Who fic, so I'd like to give HUGE thanks to Wendymr for all her help and encouragement! Enjoy!

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The Doctor remained outside after all the others had gone in. The night was quiet once he was alone. The stars in the sky appeared far away and remote. Despite the proximity of the TARDIS, he somehow found it hard to imagine being up there with them. He felt an odd calmness descend on him, a feeling of serenity that he hadn't felt in a long time. There was no need to rush. No need to hop back in the TARDIS and be off to some distant world, some distant adventure. He felt at peace here. At least for a little while.

The air was crisp and cool, though not uncomfortable. He took a few steps towards his ship and touched the side of it absently. The ash from the destroyed alien ship crunched under his feet. He looked down and shook his head sadly. He hadn't exactly made friends with the Sycorax, but he hadn't wanted to see their deaths if it could be avoided…not on this scale.

He wanted to hate Harriet Jones, but he couldn't. She had been frightened. She had done the only thing she knew how to. She had reacted just like a human of her particular time and position would. She wasn't ready to deal with it all. None of it had surprised him. Disappointed him, maybe, but that was something completely different.

Sometimes he forgot how small they were, how fragile. He'd forget that they hadn't seen what he had, hadn't done what he'd done. But then, that tended to be why he liked them so much.

He took in a breath of cool air and slid down the side of the TARDIS until he was sitting against it, looking at the sky above him. He was still getting used to it all. New arms, new legs, new face…new sky above him. All different and yet completely the same. He should be used to it by now – but that would never happen. Even if he was allotted a hundred regenerations he knew it would never feel stale. As it was, he was on his tenth. Almost done, and then he would die for real.

No second chances.

Or fourteenth chances in his case. He hadn't realized just how close he was to the end of it all until now. His life wasn't terribly safe. How long before he reached the end of the rope? Before he took one chance too many?

The thought of it ending might not have bothered him so much two lifetimes ago. But now his people were dead, and he was the last. When he was gone, the Time Lords would fade into legend, and then myth. He'd end up a bedtime story, told to children right alongside unicorns and leprechauns. Hopefully without the horn on the forehead or the ugly green suit.

He shook his head, pushing away the maudlin thoughts. Tonight was not the time for them. He had so much. Too much to be thinking about what-ifs and maybes. Looking towards the block of flats, he felt himself smile.

Rose was in there, waiting for him. She'd given him a searching look as they'd all gone inside, wondering if he was okay. He loved that she was still concerned for him. After all he had put her through, changing so completely, she still cared for him. Her loyalty was something he'd never get used to, never understand. But he was more grateful for it than she would ever know. It was what had kept him going when he wanted to give up. It was what kept him fighting, kept him sane. It was what helped him to see that life was still worth living, when all he had loved had turned to dust.

He'd never be able to thank her properly for that. He wouldn't even know what to say.

He watched the window in the distance and saw Jackie move into view. It was the kitchen window, so she was likely doing the dishes. Mickey soon appeared to help her and he found himself wanting to do the same. His first instinct was to get up, go in and offer his help. That gave him pause.

The man he'd been before his regeneration wouldn't have gone anywhere near Rose's for Christmas dinner, let alone help with the clean-up. And yet, he had. He had put on the goofy paper hat, eaten turkey and stuffing and laughed with them as if he were part of the family. Part of a home.

It surprised him to realize that. He'd thought his home long gone and although nothing would bring back Gallifrey, or his people, he was no longer alone. He had Rose, and he had her family. They had welcomed him, even though he had given them no earthly reason to. If anything, Jackie should still hate him, like she had when she had first met him.

Of course, he had saved the Earth once or twice since then. That had to have endeared him somewhat. Still, he had taken Rose from them. From her mother, and Mickey. He had gotten her into deadly situation after deadly situation and yet they welcomed him. They had hugged him earlier, all of them. If he didn't know any better, he would swear that Jackie had deliberately made enough Christmas dinner to include him. As if she'd known that he and Rose would be back.

And he'd loved it. Loved the dinner, the laughter. He'd gotten along with Jackie and Mickey, and, what was more, he had enjoyed their company. He'd liked them tonight. He really had changed, though whether it was because of the regeneration or simply the thawing of his own heart would always remain a mystery. One thing was for certain…he would never be the same again.

And he wouldn't have had it any other way.

He was still watching Jackie and Mickey working side by side when the door opened and Rose stepped out. Seeing him sitting there against the TARDIS, she smiled and walked toward him.

It gave him just enough time to marvel at how beautiful she was.

"Thought you might've left without me." Her tone was light and teasing. She didn't actually think he would be gone, and they both knew it. He grinned back.

"What, and miss swiping the leftovers? Never."

"If you liked my Mum's cooking that much, you really are an alien," she said wryly. He watched as she reached him and sat down beside him. He looked at her for a long moment, not saying anything. It was like seeing her for the first time all over again, only this time without as much pain clouding his vision. He'd never completely let go of the guilt, or the pain over the loss of his people. But when she looked at him like that, under the brilliance of the night sky, there wasn't a single part of him that wasn't grateful to be alive – wasn't grateful to be with her.

"So, what you doin' out here then?" She touched his knee gently. "Are you brooding? Cause that's not allowed…not today anyway."

"That a rule?" he wondered, a glint of humour in his eye.

"Yeah," she said with a decisive nod. "I'm not havin' you brooding at Christmas."

"Not brooding," he assured her, and put his hand lightly on hers. "Just having a bit of a think."

"What about?" She was curious now, tipping her head sideways in the way that always made him want to lean in and kiss her. He was seriously considering it now. He wouldn't have before. He would have fought the impulse, would have closed up completely, avoiding the question or changing the subject.

He still wasn't going to kiss her, but that didn't mean it would never happen. Instead, he answered her.

"Everything…Christmas….you." He sighed softly. "I really enjoyed today, Rose. Well, apart from the fight to the death, it's been one of the best days I've had in a while."

"Well that's Christmas for you," she replied, thrown a bit off balance by his candidness. "Don't worry, you'll be back to your crusty old self by tomorrow."

"See, that's the thing," he told her, trying to explain it so that she would understand. "I don't think I will be. I'm the same man, but…I've changed. In more ways than the physical, I've changed."

"I get that," she whispered with a nod. "Before…well, you wouldn't have come to dinner. You would've called me from the TARDIS an' dangled some impossibly dangerous situation in front of me an' I'd follow you."

"I am sorry for that," he interrupted. He knew he'd been in the wrong when he'd done it. There she'd been, trying to make her mum feel better about traveling with him by sitting down to dinner, and he'd not only refused to come, he'd given her an ultimatum. Now or never. And still she'd come.

"What I want to know is what changed?" She was regarding him quizzically now. "Is it part of the regeneration? Or is it something else?"

"To be honest, I'm really not sure." He laughed. "I don't even know which parts are new because I've changed and which parts are new because you've changed me."

"Me?" She looked surprised. "What d'you mean? How have I changed you?"

"There are just too many answers to that," he replied regretfully. "If I were to tell you all of them we'd be out here all night. But I'm grateful. More grateful than you'll ever know."

"You're so…" She trailed off, staring at him in wonder. "I don't pretend to understand this regeneration thing. Any of it, really. But…I know you're different. I know what you mean when you say it's more than just your face."

"That a good thing?" he asked, holding his breath. He realized that part of him was afraid of the answer, afraid she might reject him. He didn't want to lose her.

"I dunno," she said honestly. Her eyes let him know she desperately wanted to say yes, but he knew it was too much to hope that she just accept all of it right away. It was a lot to take in, even for him. "I…I think so. I mean, you seem happier. You seem…free. An' I'm glad to see that, Doctor, I am. It'll take me some time to get used to your new face, I won't lie, but…I'm still here. An' I'm not going anywhere, not for a good long while."

He opened his mouth to respond, but found he couldn't. There was a thickness in his throat that prevented it. Emotion swept through him, overwhelming him. Love, for this tiny human ape, gratefulness for her loyalty and devotion – and the knowledge that even if it ended, he would never regret it for a second.

"Thank you." His voice was hoarse, but if she noticed it, she didn't show it.

"You comin' in then?" she asked, changing the subject. "Or d'you want to leave?"

"What, so soon?" He was surprised at the question. She wasn't.

"I jus' figured…" She trailed off and shrugged. "Didn't see you spendin' more time here than you had to 's all.

"Do you want to leave now?" He searched her face, trying to read her expression.

"Honestly?" She thought it over for a moment, then shook her head. "No, I want to stay here. For the night, anyway. My Mum…well, she didn't know if I'd come back alive. I shouldn't leave her tonight, not at Christmas."

He smiled and squeezed her hand. He had known she didn't want to go, and strangely didn't really mind. Before, he might have agreed, but he would've spent the night in the TARDIS, away from the others, and waiting for her to be back. Now, though…the idea of spending the night alone in the TARDIS was not a terribly welcome one. He found himself actually longing for the human warmth that existed within the house and wondered if Jackie would be averse to him sleeping on the couch.

"That all right?" Rose was speaking again, this time sounding worried. "I mean, if you really want to go…"

"It's fine," he told her warmly. "Really, it's fine. It's Christmas. You should be with your family."

"And you," she persisted. "You're just as important to me as Mickey and my Mum…don't you know that by now?"

He hadn't, but hearing her say that made him want to kiss her all over again. It threw him off his guard, made him suddenly nervous.

"I didn't think…"

"Come in with me, Doctor. There's plenty of room. Don't stay out here all alone, okay?"

Impulsively, he reached out and cupped her face with his hand, enjoying the way she leaned into his touch, how beautiful she looked when she closed her eyes.

"Stay here," he told her, pulling his hand back before he got carried away with himself. "Don't move. I'll be right back."

She watched, confusion etched in her gaze as he opened the TARDIS and went inside. Moments later, he re-emerged, sonic screwdriver in hand.

"I've got something for you," he told her with a smile. "A Christmas present."

She looked surprised, which only made him smile wider.

"If it's that sonic screwdriver, I'm afraid I already have one in yellow," she said with a grin. He laughed and shook his head.

"Not the screwdriver," he assured her. "D'you have the TARDIS key I gave you?"

She nodded, puzzled. He held out his hand.

"Give it to me."

She did so without hesitation and he turned so she couldn't see what he was doing. After a few seconds, he turned back and handed it to her. She turned it over on her fingers for a moment, before leaning in and gazing at it more closely. It had her initial engraved on it in simple script lettering.

"Doctor…"

"That's your key," he said interrupting her impending question. "I've done more than just engrave it. Only you can open the TARDIS with that key now. It's yours and only yours."

She stared at him for a moment, dumbstruck. The reality of what he was offering wasn't lost on her.

Giving her this key – making it hers, meant she was a permanent part of his life. No matter where she went, no matter what she did, she would always be connected to him and the TARDIS. He was giving her part of himself, a part he normally kept hidden from those closest to him.

"Why, Doctor?" She asked when words finally came to her. "Why me?"

"Because, it's time," he said simply. "Time for me to stop hiding, to stop pushing people away. Time to stop living as if I'm always alone. I know you're not going to be with me forever, Rose. If I don't outlive you, you might just decide you don't want to travel with me anymore. And that's fine. If it's what you need to do, I understand. But no matter what happens, no matter where you are, I want you to know you can always come back. You'll always be welcome. The TARDIS isn't just my home now, Rose. It's yours too."

"I don't…" She blinked and a tear ran down her cheek. He reached out to brush it away, feeling his whole body tingle at the contact. "I don't have anything to give you."

"But you do!" he exclaimed, wanting to pull her close, to run his fingers through her hair. "You've given me everything, Rose. You've given me this new face, this new life…a home." He looked to the window once more where Jackie was drying her hands. Mickey had disappeared, most likely to watch some telly. He turned back to her and took her by the hand. "I thought I lost that, don't you see? Home isn't a specific place, or a certain building. It's people. And you, Rose…you're home."

At that, another tear fell from her eyes, but he didn't get the chance to catch it. Before he knew it, she was in his arms, and kissing him so softly it felt like a dream. But he knew it was more of a promise and he cherished that thought above all else.

When she pulled back, her eyes were shining with love that mirrored his own. She smiled and laughed suddenly.

"Happy Christmas, Doctor," she whispered. He swallowed heavily and squeezed her hand once more.

"Let's go in."

Together, the two of them went inside.


End file.
